courtesy of Soccernet.com
0 min -- Beautiful day in Cardfiff; everyone's ready for this massive game. The roof is open on the Millennium Stadium. John Hartson's head looks massive; about as big as a house.
2 mins -- There have been two minutes, and Wales haven't had a touch. They are an awful football side. About as good as Andorra.
5 mins -- England are doing a great job of doing nothing at all; just knocking the ball about with no particular purpose or direction.
8 mins -- Great atmosphere; rubbish game.
17 mins -- Lots of passing the ball about in front of the Wales defence, which numbers eight, but nothing remotely interesting is happening. If this continues, I'm going to have to start making things up...
21 mins -- Ricketts drags a shot horribly wide after cutting in from the left wing. In truth, it was the worst attempt at goal I have seen for a long, long time. Dreadful.
25 mins -- England have had twice as much possession as Wales, but have done nothing with it. Absolutely nothing. I feel as though I'm dying inside.
31 mins -- I'm not one to exaggerate, but this is dreadful. Go outside and watch the grass grow; it's going to be more interesting than this.
36 mins -- Beckham, in this new 'holding' midfield role, has done precisely nothing. Nothing that you or I couldn't do. I can pass the ball sidewards, to someone five yards away. Can you?
HALF-TIME: Imagine your worst nightmare. This has been it. My head hurts from thinking up words to replace the expletives that I want to use during this commentary.
51 mins -- I swear that Hartson's head has got even bigger during the half-time interval. Maybe he has injected it with something, in order to appear more intimidating. Just a thought.
52 mins -- GOAL! Joe Cole side-foots a shot past Coyne after latching on to SWP's low cross. A big deflection took the ball past the goalkeeper.
72 mins -- Collins, the Wales substitute, has a fantastic shock of ginger hair; a beautiful bonfire of crazy dreams, flickering away, right there on his head.
89 mins -- Richardson attempts to waste some time by doing some tricks near the Wales corner-flag. Giggs flies in and nails him.
FULL-TIME: About the worst 90 minutes of football you can imagine. Sweet Valley High. England win, and they'll be happy. Wales lose, and they'll be sad.
Rough on Becks - I thought he had a pretty good game passing the ball - maybe my standards are too low but he made some difficult long passes, esp. to SWP. Not his fault that they couldn't do anything with it after that.
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